Be A Sexpert

“Do the alphabet with your tongue.”

“No, dude, chicks love it when you spit!”

I listen while rolling my eyes as two of my guy friends debate the finer points of going down on a girl to help Jake, one of our less experienced friends. Jake looks confused, and I can tell why.

But while some of their advice is laughable, to stop it would ruin good old fashion entertainment. It wasn’t until suckers and popsicles were brought into play that I finally interjected.

“Jake, you went straight to the A again… that’s where you’re going wrong.”

But let me back up a minute and tell you about Jake. He’s 23, decently attractive, good at sports, and according to his girlfriend, terrible at going down on her. While he wasn’t willing give us any of the details of her complaints, knowing Jake – like most all men – he probably made one of a few mistakes: he either went overboard or underboard or didn’t ask at all.

While I can’t make a blanket statement about what every woman wants or needs, it’s safe to assume the following:

Overboard

This is common in men who are eager – maybe a little too eager – to please.

Maybe they just got done reading a Maxim article on “Secret things that turn her on” and instead of building up to something new and exciting, they jump the gun and put their pinky in her ass before their tongue even makes it to her clit. Before she has the chance to slap them, their tongue is doing a variety of movements up and down her labia while their hands are tuning her nipples like an old-fashion radio. Not the best way to turn her on, mind you.

If it wasn’t their first time with this girl, she might see it as endearing and allow you to pull it off. But chances are good you just made an ass out yourself and turned her off completely.

Under-board

This mistake is equally common amongst men who aren’t as experienced. Perhaps it takes them over an hour to undress her and they’re still shaking by the time their mouth makes it anywhere near her nether regions. Instead of trying to unravel the mystery of how many licks it takes to get to the center of her pussy pop (the last time I counted it was around 47, give or take) they take a few sample licks and wrap it back up for later.

She might be angry that they didn’t do more, but most likely she’s just consumed by trying to figure out what the guy doesn’t like about her body or why she doesn’t turn him on.

“Yeah, baby, you like that?”

The best way to find out exactly what she wants is to ask her. If she’s open enough to tell you, it makes you an instant sex God. You’ll know exactly how to please her! You can even adapt your asking style to match your personality. Try a few different things and as you go along ask her if she likes it harder, softer, faster, or wetter. Or you can even ask ahead of time with something like, “Tell me exactly what you want me to do to you.”

If your girlfriend isn’t comfortable telling you verbally, you can try having her show you what she likes. Have her direct your hand, mouth, or the vibrator exactly where and how she likes it, or ask her to get off for you how she would if you weren’t there.

As corny as it sounds, the best way to improve your performance is through communication. But if you can’t manage that, at least you’ll know not to stick your pinky in her ass straight off the bat.

I mean, Maxim isn’t always right.