I’ve seen him before. He’s in every city, coffee shop, gym, and bar I’ve been to. And while his appearance may change radically from incredibly attractive to less than so, his mannerisms do not.

This guy rarely takes the lead; rather, he approaches me when we’re incidentally close. Yesterday, it was while waiting in line for my third Americano of the day. I was browsing through a copy of the Journal for any sign of hope or optimism (none was found), when he shuffled up behind me. 

“You, uh, read, uh, the front page story?”

I hadn’t. Someone always takes the front page. I was shifting through sports and obits.

“No, I can’t ever seem to find the front page in here. Was it good?”

I turned around to see who was asking and as soon as I looked up his eyes darted away quickly to meet the floor. He had maintained his slumped posture and now stared downward with what seemed to be the same determination as before. My heart sank. This was going to be embarrassing for him, but I’d try to make easier. You have to give him kudos for having the balls to approach a girl.  But I knew right away what the result would be with his approach, not just with me, but with any girl. 

“Uh, yeah, I guess.”

(Silence as I attempted to make contact with his eyes that were still fixated on the floor.) 

“I, uh, think you’re up,” he said. 

After paying, I stood to the side and watched as he ordered. His shoulders remained rounded and while his head finally tilted upward to meet the level of the barista, his eyes darted from hers. She asked if a 12 oz cup would be all right and he responded the way a kicked dog or low-level intern would to it’s superior by nodding up and down like a bobble head. 

As I started to walk back to my seat, I noticed him holding a paper in his hand he had scribbled on at the cash register. He increased his pace to match mine and as I turned to sit, in one seemingly choreographed motion his head and eyes sunk back down to the floor while his arm thrust towards me, paper in hand.  

“Hey, you should call me, and uh, I’ll get your next coffee.”

 I smiled and once again tried to meet his eyes.

“Oh, thanks, but I’m actually seeing someone and I’m not sure that would go over well. But thank you, I’m flattered.” 

He shuffled back to his work and I sat there feeling sorry for him. Not because I turned him down, but because there are simple things this guy could have done to improve his success rate.

3 Game Changers;

Both men and women are attracted to those who play the “alpha” role in our society. We’ve evolved that way. We want the best in order to breed the best, to father or mother the best, and to ensure our survival. You instantly communicate a lack of confidence when you slump your shoulders, avoid eye contact, and agree with every statement someone’s saying by shaking your head up and down.

This guy would instantly increase his approval rating and his perceived confidence by simply doing three things: 

Sit and stand up straight. By bringing your shoulders down and back you are emanating a look of confidence. This also gives the optical illusion that you have broader shoulders and more muscular arms, both things which women are attracted to.

Look her straight in the eyes. While this might not work in China, here in the U.S. its one of the most important ways of demonstrating attraction. If she looks back, you’ve already made the first step of communication. This breaks the ice if you’re near her, across the bar, or just walking by. More often than not, women who are looking at you from across the room are already attracted to you. And it might be partly due to your good posture. (But also note that if she happens to look in your direction, it doesn’t necessarily mean she wants to go to bed with you.) 

Hold your head up. One of the strongest ways a person can demonstrate power and confidence is by not moving his head a lot. When you bobble your head up and down in agreement you’re body is sending signals of inferiority. I’m not saying to pretend like you’re wearing a neck brace, but a simple nod or “yes” will do.

Had the guy shown more confidence, maybe he would’ve gotten a phone number…from someone anyways.