How To Stop Faking It

Start slowly with deep breaths. Mix in a gasp. Work your way to a moan. Wait for him to cum. Quiver and smile.

Faking it was easy.

I was a committed method actor and sex was like a porno casting call every time. Working my way down a checklist I would have “orgasms” on demand – without end.

I nailed the part.

It was easy to write off my bad behavior when I was younger – I didn’t know what orgasms were. I questioned myself, thinking “Maybe I am having one and I just can’t tell”.  If women came without question in porn, maybe they just liked sex more than I did.

But they don’t.

My first vibrator cleared away any doubt about what an orgasm felt like, but “faking it” had already went from a bad habit to a disease. Instead of dealing with my fatigue, hunger, or insecurity, I could just fake an orgasm and get on with it.

I had an “orgasm” every time we had sex, and my partner came to expect it. I couldn’t stop now, not without admitting I had lied. He would find out that we weren’t actually getting the job done, then he’d be crushed and I’d be totally embarrassed.

So I kept faking it… for years.

I was devoting my time to teaching people how to have better sex, telling clients how to be more open with their partners and how to have the sex they dreamt of. But I wasn’t taking my own advice.

It was okay, until I got my first “faker” as a client.

I heard her talk about the way it affected her, how she dreaded sex, how she was afraid of what would happen if she was honest. The only thing I could think of was “Who the fuck am I to tell this girl what to do?”.

Who was I to teach people how to have better sex?

I was open with my clients, with my readers, with my friends, but I was still lying to the people who mattered — my partner and I.

Being honest was painful, and for a long time I tried every other route.

At first I thought I could just break up with my partner. He’d never have to know and I could start clean with my next partner. It turns out that being emotionally attached to someone makes dumping them because of your own issues damn near impossible and just plain shitty.

My other option was to just ignore it.

I could have real orgasms by using a vibrator during sex. But vibrators aren’t always handy. “Sorry honey, I’ll be able to cum in a minute, I’ve just got to change the batteries”.

I’d fake it when I didn’t have a vibrator, so I’d try my damnedest to make sure I did.

No matter how much I tried, sex still wasn’t satisfying – but only because I had made it that way. If there wasn’t a vibrator around, or I was in unique circumstances, I fell back to acting out my orgasms.

It was a proximity bias. The issue was too close to home. I could tell YOU how to stop faking it. I could tell YOU how to diversify your orgasms, but when I came home at night, I was ignoring my own advice.

It wasn’t just a vibrator I needed, but honesty (like my love for the new and taboo) in the bedroom. Thinking that maybe someday, eventually, my partner would find by surprise that it takes a vibrator and “taboos” to get me off was a short lived dream.

My own voice echoed in my head, “Your orgasm is YOUR responsibility”.

My cowardice was only making things worse.

My partner would think he caused my orgasm, and of course do the same thing again because I encouraged it. Faking it essentially trains your partner how not to please you.

I was depressed, needy, unable to communicate, and the guilt left me totally orgasmless.

Neither of us was doing anything differently, and we eventually broke up.

Fast forward through 5 months of soul searching, surfing, and finally learning some hobbies I’d been putting off, I found myself at a new place.

I was honest.

I learned I don’t have all the answers. I don’t know if I want to go out with you next tuesday, but if you ask me then, I’ll have a better idea.

My orgasms are tricky, but if you throw me a curve ball and make sure my clit is happy, we might get lucky – and I’m okay with that.

My partner and I worked things out. We slowly eased back into a relationship, but we had some new rules.

Mine was that I wasn’t going to lie about my orgasms anymore, and in order to do that, I had to come clean about my past. Something I’d been afraid of for over 2 years.

What would he do? Jump ship and leave? Be humiliated and hurt?

It didn’t matter, it couldn’t be worse than dreading sex again.

“Hey, … is it a good time to talk?”

He was away on a trip. After a few years of waiting, I was willing to do it over the phone.

“Listen, if we’re coming clean and going to do this right, I’ve got to tell you something I’m really embarrassed about. I’ve got a lot of guilt built up over it, but it’s really important to me to go back into this with a clean slate.”

I hear hesitation on the phone. I imagine what’s running through his head. With a build up like that he’s probably thinking it’s terrible, like I slept with his brother, or I’ve contracted an STI over our 5 month break.

“Our sex in the past was great in a lot of ways. I really appreciated the attention you gave me and how much love and work we put in together, but I wasn’t honest about the results. Sometimes, I would become self conscious, or distracted, or we wouldn’t have a vibrator, and I knew I wasn’t going to have an orgasm, so I faked it. I was trying to make it satisfying for you, but I’ve realized it was just dishonest and stupid. I’m sorry for being dishonest, and if we’re going to do this again, and make it work, you had to know”.

I was waiting for a click and the sound of a dial tone, but instead I heard a reassuring voice.

My partner told me we would work on it. That we would do whatever it took to make things work. He’s stood by it ever since and I’ve been honest about my orgasms and how to achieve them.

If something’s not working, I say so. My partner and I both know it’s not someone’s fault. It’s not his job to make me come and sometimes the equation doesn’t work out quite right and I just can’t.

And it’s okay.

Don’t get me wrong, it can be frustrating as hell. Six positions, half a bottle of lube, and a new set of batteries later, sometimes I just give up.

I’m hungry, tired, and at this point it feels more like trying to disarm a nuclear warhead than getting fucked. But damn, one of those situations every now and then is a whole lot better than lying.

When you fake it, you lie to your partner, but also to yourself.

You’re saying, “I can’t have an orgasm. I can’t be honest about how it actually feels. I don’t deserve to have better. I can’t come clean now”.

Well if you’re like me, then we’re god-damned liars.

And if this sounds like you, or possibly your partner, it’s time to knock it off.

Here’s how.

If you’re the one faking it:

Come clean.

Right now, admit to yourself that you’ve been dishonest. Take out a pencil and paper, and write down what you need to tell your partner. I recommend the following format.

• Use “I”, not “you”, statements. “I’ve been feeling ______, because I haven’t been honest with you.
• Keep it positive. Mention what did work or feel good. “I really appreciate when we”, “I enjoy this about it”.
• Explain yourself. “I wanted to make you feel good”, “I wanted our sex to be perfect”
• Take responsibility. “I realized that it was dishonest”
• Tell them what YOU are doing to make things better. “I’d like to use a vibrator, I think it’ll really help me”.

If you think your partner is faking it:

Stop it.

No really, stop it. When you’re focused on your partners orgasm, you’re bound to make things worse.

• Don’t set expectations by saying things like “I’m going to make you come”.
• Don’t ask if your partner came. By asking “Did I make you come” you’re setting them up to lie about it if they didn’t.
• Focus on asking questions that require specific feedback. Instead of asking “Yeah, do you like that?”, ask “Do you want it harder or softer?”, “What depth feels good?”, etc.

For anyone who whats to have better sex:

After a good sex session there’s usually a natural rest period. You cuddle up, try not to drip sweat on each other, and wait for someone to break the silence.

Use this time for a “post-game debrief”. Make it a rule to only mention what worked well.

Sex can be one of the best stress relievers, relationship builders, and hobbies of all time.

Being honest keeps it that way.

Have you ever faked an orgasm? Did you (or have you) come clean with your partner?  Post below in the comments!