Masturbating Gives You Cancer

Growing up I heard a lot of rumors about the effects of masturbation: God will kill a cute baby animal, you won’t be a virgin anymore, you’ll bleed, and (my personal favorite) you’ll use up all your orgasms. While none of these are necessarily true, there are some grave consequences to masturbation with certain materials, ranging from yeast infections to cancer. Read this article because knowledge is sexy (and so is protecting yourself and your partner from cervical cancer).

DANGER!

Phthalates: This is usually a very life-like material and can be easily spotted by the use of the word “Skin” after another word such as “Cyber”, “Real”, or “New”, etc. It’s commonly used in life-like dildos and male masturbators. Contact with these materials has been directly correlated to cancer. This material is so toxic the FDA has banned it from children’s toys and dog toys. These products are distinguishable by their pungent chemical scent, so if it smells like a new shower curtain stay away! These companies can get away with putting phthalates in sex toys by marking them “Novelty Only”, implying they don’t intend customers to use them. Don’t use these products as they’re very dangerous! (If you absolutely have to use one, wear a condom or put one on the object.)

Sugar: Yes suckers are sexy, but you should never turn one into a pussy pop. Sugar can lead to yeast infections. Yeast infections lead to pain, antibiotics, and a strict no sex policy. There’s nothing sexy about that. So next time, go for a whip cream bra instead of a full-on bikini.

Hollow Glass: Beer and wine bottles simply aren’t safe. While it might seem appropriate to chase your favorite booze with the phallic bottle that comes with it, glass bottles are easily broken and can severely damage your insides.

Dirty: If you can’t sterilize it, clean it, or cover it with a condom, it should never be put inside of you or your partner. This can lead to unhealthy bacteria entering the body and potentially lead to infection. This is especially true if someone else has used it or it’s going from bum to vag. You can get sexually transmitted infections from sharing sex toys.

Sharp: This is a pretty obvious one, but let’s not leave it out. Don’t put sharp things in, on, or around you or your partner.

Get Lost: The anus is an incredible cavity. One of the reasons it’s so interesting is that it performs magic disappearing acts. If you’re going to put something in your anus make sure it has a wide base, otherwise you might end up visiting a doctor to fight that evil anal magic and retrieve your beloved object.

What to do instead?
- Always cover anything that’s being put on or in you or your partners body with a condom.
- Buy sex toys from companies who take their products and your health seriously. (You can check out my personal favorites on my products page.)
- Keep masturbating.

I’ve never seen a kitten drop dead after jilling off, but I have noticed: heightened mood, relief of stress, and a big smile. Keep getting off, just don’t do it with anything on the list above.

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